How Wealthy is Your Emotional Bank?

"The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters." - Thomas Jefferson

I recently spent a fun-loving weekend in Boston celebrating my girlfriends last days as a single woman. I have known her from the time we were 3 years old. We went through elementary school together and then in middle school we were placed on different “teams” which separated us from having any classes together, and hardly seeing each other between classes. We drifted for a bit, but in High School we became close again. We introduced each other to new friends and shared experiences such as crushes, proms, first boyfriends, applying to colleges, petty adolescent female “cattiness”, my parents’ divorce, alcohol (this experience didn’t end well) and partying. I always knew I could count on her. She was a solid fixture in my life.

We both ventured on to different colleges and in that time we gained more friends. None of these friendships replaced the strong foundation of the relationship we had with each other.

After college, I moved to California and she moved to Boston. Our friendship remained.

At some point in our early 20’s we both ended relationships with our boyfriends. We became single woman in our 20’s trying to navigate our worlds. We leaned on each other more than anything. We had phone calls multiple times a week. A lot of times they were consumed with three topics – boys, money, and career. We became experts in each other’s life. We would make early Saturday morning phone calls to share our Friday night details. We often joked that we were leading parallel lives – she was living it in the big city and I was living it in the suburb of Syracuse.

Then three years ago, I met my husband and a few months after that she met her soon-to-be husband. Once again, our lives paralleled. Now she’s getting married, close to a year after I did.

Looking back on our friendship, the thing that kept us in tact is that we constantly invested in each other’s Emotional Bank.

What is an Emotional Bank? This is really similar to a regular bank account. Deposits of cash are made and cash is withdrawn. However, with an Emotional Bank, cash is equated to support, kind words, a lending ear, air plane tickets, long phone conversations, lunch dates, etc. For example, spending a half hour talking to a friend about her broken heart generates a deposit from you in her Emotional Bank. If it’s a good friendship, she will deposit into your Emotional Bank at some point by comforting you.

See, my friend and I would constantly make deposits in each other’s banks. She flew out to see me in California – that was a HUGE deposit for me. In return, I withdrew from my Emotional Bank and would visit her in Boston. One of us constantly made an effort. We haven’t lived in the same city in over 10 years, and yet we are still bonded. Our Emotional Banks are overwhelmed with deposits.

This is really as simple as give and take. When you give something, most of the time you receive something in return. It may be a tangible or non-tangible (friendship) item. But, if you keep giving –or withdrawing from your Emotional Bank for someone and they aren’t making any deposits back, you will soon become bankrupt and it will probably be the end of the friendship. I’m sure you have said, “I can only give so much!” once or twice when you are in a relationship where you felt you were giving your all and not getting anything back.

I’m not writing all this to share about my great friendship, though I do feel gratitude toward our friendship. My intention is to get you to think about relationships that you haven’t been feeling so great about, or a friendship that’s dwindling. Think about a way you can make an Emotional Deposit in someone’s life? It may take time to really build up the Emotional Bank, but eventually, you will start to feel those deposits returned to you in amazing ways, along with the blessing of a healthy friendship.